zougla: (Akiko)
Many of my flist friends have started up (or in some cases never stopped) posting on livejournal, and I admit I got kind of jealous.

The  most recent update I have is that I passed my second qualifying paper (QP2) in mid-September. I'm really glad to have moved on to the next level, as all I need to do now is complete my dissertation proposal and then write the dissertation.

That's all. No biggie.

I'm going to go read Hunger Games. That should get me closer to finishing.

So so so

Oct. 11th, 2011 04:07 am
zougla: (Default)
This semester so far has been pretty good. I feel like my workload is manageable, (though I still get behind in my readings as usual. Maybe I just hate my readings) and that things are going pretty smooth.

I am still working on this paper for my first exam. I can't believe I have started my third year of PhD and still working on my first exam. But honestly, I have only really just started being mentally clear enough to succeed in that endeavor.

The department still gets on my nerves, and I want to find an alternative part-time job rather than teaching classes. Maybe just one to get the tuition wavier, but even still it's draining.

I have come to own the fact that I cannot have my entire life filled with work- I need days to do non-work work, if that makes sense at all. I mean having a day to bake, or see friends, or organize my closet, or read a non-academic book, etc etc. Talking to some fellow grad students makes me feel like this is wrong and unproductive.

Whatever, these kids live in NYC, which is supposed to be fun and full of amazing things and all sorts of wonderful opportunities. Do these poor, overworked grad students get to enjoy even a sliver of that amazingness? Not even close. They are always at a computer screen doing something boring and/or tedious. No money for shows, no meeting of interesting persons, going to events, not even a night of beer and friends. It's so sad to me, and also part of why I can't get myself to like NYC at all. I have no way of enjoying any of the nice things NYC can offer, just the crappy transportation, sad overworked and rushed feelings, and the pollution and noise.

You've all heard me talk about that before... so I guess other updates are in order.

Uh. Oh! going with a friend to see Cibo Matto next week! I love that group, but it's a reunion tour or something so not sure if it'll be any good. They are the composers of such catchy tunes as "Know your Chicken" and "Sugar Water." They are Japanese ex-pats, which should put their weird in context. Oddly enough they are not very popular in Japan, though.

I should get back to writing for my meeting with adviser tomorrow. I really really am VERY good at avoiding writing for this paper. I do all sorts of other work for it, but not writing. It's actually not good at all. 2 months left only!

Yikes
zougla: (Default)
These are all really great things to think about:
  • "Mediocrity Breeds Contempt. For some procrastinators the thought of being ordinary can be so intolerable that they want everything they do to be outstanding."
  • "When an ordinary performance can be attributed to the last-minute rush, they can continue to believe their ideal could have been reached, if they'd had more time. This allows perfectionists to avoid feeling contempt for themselves when they are simply average."
  • "The expectation that one should be able to catch on  instantly, no matter how complex the material, brings many procrastinators to a grinding halt. Their dissapointment at having to work hard prevents them from making the effort requited to grapple with the material and master it. Instead, they avoid it by delaying. In the long run, their need to be smart keeps them ignorant."
  • "People who 'choose to lose' procrastinate to such an extent that they guarantee failure, yet they still imagine that they could have won if they tried - like the bachelor who brags about all the hot romances he could have if only he had the time to make phone calls."

OK, gotta run now to pick up Mom from the airport. I'm sure she will be glad to be home. I know that it really felt good to be "home" when I got back.


zougla: (Default)
Even though I can see in each word their "approach" to psychology, that doesn't jar me as it might have in the past. (because I can sniff out their educational mantras it would normally turn me off what they were trying to say in the first place)

I am really finding this book, in conjunction with another one (which is obviously from the same "camp" so to speak) I read a few months ago, I am really able to look at my mental blocks with a little bit of understanding. And those of you who know me well, I like to really understand things. If I can understand it I can accept it.

Anyway, the quotes I'd like to share with you all:

 

"Some parent-child pairing are and easy fit, and some are not. When there is not a good fit, children can end up feeling defective in some way, not entitled to claim and pursue their own interests and goals, paving the way for procrastination."

"Researchers who studied parent-child attachment patterns found that parents who were attuned to their children as little as 30 percent of the time were able to foster secure emotional attachments in their children."

"When your self-system is too rigid, you hold yourself fast to the perfectionist demands that lead to procrastination; you keep doing the same thing over and over, whether it's working or not; your expectations of others are unyeilding; and you experience inner turmoil when you assume life will be a certain way, and it  just isn't. At the other extreme, a chaotic self-system reflects disorganization. When you're confused about who you are and what you want, torn by distress and conflict, or lost in the last-minute frenzy of procrastination, you are not functioning in an intrepid way."

"Procrastinators may feel so guilty for lost time that they pressure themselves to use every minute productively, only to find that they have set up impossible expectations."

"You may feel too guilty to ask for help. You may believe that because you've been Very Bad (caps are sic), you now have to be Very Good to make up for it. You may feel that you don't deserve to be helped, so you can't delegate or rely on others. Refusing help is a good way to procrastinate yourself into martyrdom."

"If you are stuck in the past, you can't enjoy the present of plan for the future. If you're stuck in the present, you're at the mercy of the immediate moment, with no connection to past and future; you can't benefit from your experience. If you are stuck in the future, you're locked in a world of fantasy, either positive or negative, and all you do is plan or worry."

"Procrastination may be a reflection of our feeling overwhelmed by too much, or it may express a yearning for something we are missing."

"Procrastination is often a way of retreating from challenges; instead, remember that tackling challenges can benefit you. Does this challenge stretch you? Does it help you develop and grow?"




These last ones are more about development stuff, but I found it interesting because there is a lot of research that also shows babies will not learn a language from a TV, radio, any other mechanical device. I think this says a lot about how we learn (i.e. we must have some sort of interaction to learn "passively") and what "innate language" might look like. This is important to me because of being amid scholars who seem to think rigid structure rules are the innate things, rather than the social pattern building things.



"We know now that the brain is wired to be 'ultra social.' It literally grows and develops in response to the way we are responded to by the people who care for us."

"More and more, it is becoming clear that the state of one person's brain affects what happens in another's. And that means caretakers do much more than change diapers and provide food: 'They activate the growth of the brain through emotional availability and reciprocal actions."



There are way more quotes I want to share. But I think that is enough for now. More later!

Quotes

Jul. 18th, 2011 03:35 pm
zougla: (Default)
I'm reading this article on American  Scholar. Here's a quote from it that I liked a lot because I think it sums up my feelings/experience with higher education.

"Some students end up at second-tier schools because they’re exactly like students at Harvard or Yale, only less gifted or driven. But others end up there because they have a more independent spirit. They didn’t get straight A’s because they couldn’t be bothered to give everything in every class. They concentrated on the ones that meant the most to them or on a single strong extracurricular passion or on projects that had nothing to do with school or even with looking good on a college application. Maybe they just sat in their room, reading a lot and writing in their journal. These are the kinds of kids who are likely, once they get to college, to be more interested in the human spirit than in school spirit, and to think about leaving college bearing questions, not resumés."

This is part of my struggles to get really "serious" about my work and "success." Of course there are other issues at play, but I am trying to understand myself better lately, and I really think this is part of my fear of success. I.e. a resentment that I have to "play the game" rather than develop my own mind. Being a player was never interesting to me, and although I'm better at pretending to be one, I still don't really believe in it.

Link to the original article for those of you interested:

www.theamericanscholar.org/the-disadvantages-of-an-elite-education/

News

Jul. 10th, 2011 12:52 am
zougla: (Default)
So after my hormonal moment a week or so ago, I'm feeling a lot better. After that outburst I managed to talk myself down and actually instill some confidence in myself and managed to write three pages for my research. That really felt nice. Next I have to talk myself up to writing one of the professors who chewed me out last year.

I am slowly trying to implement small changes in my life that will eventually get me where I want to go. That is why I am reading a book about procrastination from a couple of psychologists who work with procrastinators around the country. They don't really say anything that isn't obvious, but for some reason when I read these psychology books with stories from other people and whatnot it really helps me get over my hurdles. Rather than it just being something I "know" I ought to feel different about or think different about, it becomes more concrete and easier for me to face and overcome.

There are some really good quotes from it that I would like to share with everyone.

"Your past is your past, whether you like it or not, whether you remember it consciously or not, whether you take responsibility for it or not. Many of the things that happened in the past were not your fault- maybe they weren't anybody's fault, maybe some were your fault- but the events in your life are yours and always will be.... We each have the task of integrating our past into our present and deciding on the paths we want to pursue in the future."

"Without an inner sense of rightness or wrongness that comes from feelings located in your body, you're limited to thinking intellectually about a decision, or obsessing endlessly about a long list of pros and cons. You can look for the "logical" answer or the "right" answer or the "perfect" answer. But basing your decisions on these external factors won't bring you closer to knowing how you feel. Instead you put off making the decision because you can't (or are afraid to) consult the authority that matters most- your inner self."

"Fear is triggered so rapidly, it's incredible. If you touch your arm, it takes your brain 400-500 milliseconds to register the sensation. But fear is registered in a mere 14 milliseconds. Before it's even possible to know it, your body has registered fear and started responding. By the time you think about doing a task you've been avoiding... your body has already reacted with fear." (emphasis mine).

And last one for today:

"The messages from the fear center (amygdala) to the thinking center (cortex) are stronger than the messages going back from the thinking center to the fear center. This means that fear invades our consciousness more easily than our thoughts can control our emotions, so we have to do extra work to manage our fears and our impulses."

I'll post more here later for my own records.

Oh, I'm also in Northern Germany right now and it is cold. More on that later as well.
zougla: (Default)
I was reading about the new Wonder Woman show, and there is apparently a problem with the new outfit. It seems like they changed it because people (rightly) were pissed about the shiny spandex and the high heels. The new outfit still looks a but silly, but really my problem is WTF? ARE THESE PICTURES SUPPOSED TO BE OF THE SAME PERSON???



Seriously, people. She looks pretty hot in the set picture in front of the car, so I don't quite get the "polished" photoshop look of the first picture at all. Her waist and thighs were reduced, her boobs enlarged, even her face shape is altered. Also, the one I actually hate the most is the smoothing of the flyaway hair, because having one single hair out of place is, like, SO unnatural and gross. 

I don't think any of this photoshopping business would be quite so bad if it was presented to me the same way a painting is. As in, here is a piece of art which was created by an artist with a particular way of representing the material. So I think photoshopped pictures should have an artist's name underneath them, or several. The person who took the original photo, the person who retouched it, and the person who then put it into the ad or added the text or whatever. This way everyone would know explicitly what they only know now implicitly, that these are manufactured images.


zougla: (Default)

There's not much to report lately. Went to see "The King's Speech" last weekend, and I suggest those of you who haven't yet to do the same. It's very well acted, and funny! Plus the topic is surprisingly engaging.

I'm about to get certified to give small children language exams, but hopefully I won't have to actually do it any time this semester (it's nothing against the kids, but I'd have to add more weekly travel to my already horrifying weekly commute).

My project, I regret to report, is slow going, and I'm not sure where I'm going with it. I really need to fix this soon. It's just so much easier to deal with lesson planning and my own coursework rather than think about a topic I kind of don't care about but have to write on just as a hurdle toward my PhD. Gotta shake that off though, and just do it.

That's all for now.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

zougla: (Default)

I'd been doing so well with the cuticle biting over the semester, but the last month of school I failed miserably. And today I did some decent syntax, but I have chewed the shit out of my cuticles. Why does working on linguistics make me do this?

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

WTF brain?

Jan. 4th, 2011 11:36 pm
zougla: (Default)
OK, my notebook obsession has officially gone too far; even though I have a half dozen empty notebooks, I don't want to "waste" any of them for my needs right now. I am in fact lamenting that I can't go out and buy a new one right now.
zougla: (Default)
Happy New Year everyone! Went to a small get together shindig for NYE. It was good fun. Although I know better, and usually compensate for it somehow, there was no real food at the party, and so the drinks got to me a little bit more than necessary. So sorry if you got a drunken call from me at midnight that didn't make any sense!

I hope Dad is watching over us, and that he is in peace. But I still miss him.

Two resolutions for this year:

1) make the best of this semester. Put a strong foot forward, even though i am questioning my path at this point.
2) not to get involved in things that make me feel bad. Even when it's only peripherally.

Love and lots of aloha to everyone.
zougla: (Default)

This week I went back to my regular schedule since losing Dad. It was so weird not talking to him at those regular intervals like how i used to. For instance, usually I would call after teaching on Wednesday before jumping on the subway, but this week when I called home no one was there to answer the phone. It's little moments like this that get to me, and I go in and out of the full realization that I will never talk to him again. I've gone to his room to talk to him several times as it is.

My sister leaves for Greece in a few days, I don't know how it'll be for mom and I once she goes, I suspect it will be strange for a long while until a new routine is established. I'm trying to think about how to structure my life from here on out. There are a lot of things I want to do with myself, and more and more I've realized the barriers I've set up which prevent me from achieving my goals. Maybe with a little perseverance and clarity from this constant stress will help me figure out what I need to do.

Thanks to all of you for the kind words, and I hope to be in touch with all of you in person sometime soon.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

zougla: (Default)
 being successful in life and love is about building trust. 

people need to know that you are reliable before they will love you. 

employers need to know that you are dependable before they promote you.

but what do you do when you're in a completely new environment and do not have the ability to build any trust? and thus do not have accrued trust from which to withdraw from?  

you go into trust debt. that's what.
zougla: (Default)
Fun Links I visited today

Weird Shoes

Chainsaw Maid



Doll House Murder



Possibly more to come!
zougla: (Default)
My LJ friends page is kind of a lonely place. There are 3-4 of you who read this, and even less who update! I really only come here to keep in touch with those few of you, but I wonder if it isn't time for us to keep in touch some other way.
zougla: (Default)
 Have a great idea for a Halloween costume, but it would be a lot better with Timothy Dalton as an accessory. Mostly because I love Timothy Dalton. I met a guy once who reminded me a lot of Timothy Dalton. I wonder what happened to him.
zougla: (Default)
A couple of weeks ago I went with some friends to see Piranha 3D. It was pretty dumb, but fun enough and so there was discussion about the funny things that happened etc. The discussion then moved on to other things, and one of them was the danger of girls hiking or doing things alone at night. I brought up the fact that movies like the one we just saw don't really help this sort of problem (as, of course, the movie was full of cultural stereotypes about girls being vulnerable and needing protection). She took my statement to mean that movies create "bad guys," and that psychos don't need movies to get ideas about assault on women.

This is true, but the point is not that movies create predators, but that cultural ideas seep into every aspect of our lives, movies being one of the windows into which we can look to for analysis of cultural beliefs. The idea that a woman is "in danger" when she is alone is not something that you encounter only in movies. It is something that we are told over and over again in many many ways. The important thing to note for me, however, is that this really has nothing to do with physical strength of a person, but only with the gender that they have decided to perform. If it were about vulnerability in the absolute sense, then you would see far greater numbers of strong men assaulting weaker men as well (although this happens as well. I don't know the numbers, but I bet it has to do with looking "gay," which is construed as being more feminine in our culture, which would actually support the idea that being "feminine" in some way is what attracts assault).

The reason I bring this up now is because yesterday there was an article in the NY Times.

Afghan Boys Are Prized, So Girls Live the Part


It talks about young girls in Afghanistan who are sometimes dressed as boys in their prepubescent years. The whole article is fascinating and worth a read, but the big point for me, and my argument here, was the fact that suddenly because of their outward gender performance, they were no longer assaulted. Miraculously. Their physical strength and physique have not changed one bit, but yet they all of a sudden are in no danger walking by themselves.

Also they mention this historical fact:

"The practice [of women dressing as men] may stretch back centuries. Nancy Dupree, an 83-year-old American who has spent most of her life as a historian working in Afghanistan, said she had not heard of the phenomenon, but recalled a photograph from the early 1900s belonging to the private collection of a member of the Afghan royal family.

It featured women dressed in men’s clothing standing guard at King Habibullah’s harem. The reason: the harem’s women could not be protected by men, who might pose a threat to the women, but they could not be watched over by women either." 

It's so interesting that men are unacceptable to protect women in a harem, and women would also not be acceptable, but women dressed as men are perfectly alright. Thus, their performance as men is enough to qualify them as protectors and not vulnerable themselves to assault from men. 

Of course, these women have a lot of problems when they are forced to act like women again. It is pretty cruel for their parents to choose give their daughters freedom for their formative years, and not prepare them for the time it will end. 

In other news, Dad came home last Sunday. He is acclimating to being back home, but overall things are going well. My mother has been a trooper, and we are doing our best to help one another. I suspect that Dad will be back to normal within the next month or so. He needs to build up his muscle strength again, and all should be better. 


zougla: (Default)
I need to stop watching Freaks and Geeks (which is sooo amazing!) and do work! I have already wasted so much time today since I went with mom to the hospital to see dad. We left here at 1pm, and came home 7pm. It was nice to see him and he is doing well, but we thought the lady was going to show us how to use the machine "sometime before 4pm" and she didn't get there until 5. Blah.
zougla: (Default)
Hilarious


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